This is going to be another long post. And graphic. Just trying to keep it real.
Even before I was pregnant I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I knew the benefits to the baby of having mom's milk so there was never any question in my mind that this is what I would do. Once pregnant I began reading many books on all things pregnancy and baby. I read the chapters on breastfeeding. I thought that yes, it sounded like it might be hard at first, but something totally doable. This is where I think honesty needs to come into play. Why are the books not honest about how breastfeeding is REALLY going to be? In my mind as long as the baby was latched properly, breastfeeding wouldn't hurt and there would be angels singing in the background as I gazed into my baby's eyes as he ate. I thought this because this is how the books made it sound. I wish the book would have been honest. Because anyone who has tried breastfeeding and struggled knows that shit hurts. Even with a good latch. It took a nurse in the hospital to say, "If anyone tells you breastfeeding doesn't hurt at first, they are lying." And she was right. It hurts. And for me badly.
Before I begin I have to say that my insurance sets patients up with amazing doctors and nurses who are pro-breastfeeding. They offer many ways to get moms and babies help. There is in home care where a nurse/lactation consultant comes to see how things are going. There are breastfeeding support groups every week that you can go to, free of charge, to get help from a LC and other moms. Also, the pediatrician's office has nurses there ready to talk to moms and help make breastfeeding easier. I used each of these resources many times, but still had issues and struggles with feeding Mason.
On the first home visit, my nipples hurt but not too terribly yet. The LC who was there to check on Mason also checked on me and my breasts. We went over different ways to get Mason latched on correctly to minimize pain and help my cracked nipples heal. When she left I thought, "OK. I can do this." Days went on, which turned into a couple of weeks and the pain was still there and my nipples. Well, they were now very cracked, bloody and looked horrible. I began to dread every feeding. I would think, "No, why are you hungry again?!" I would cry when he would latch. And sometimes through the whole time he would eat. I felt horrible. I didn't want to project my pain, frustration and fear onto Mason. I didn't know what to do. I tried lanolin and gel pads. Nothing was helping. I went to a breastfeeding support group meeting. The LC looked at Mason's latch and said it was a good latch. So why was I still in pain? She suggested that I pump for a day and give my nipples a rest. So I did, but it did not help.
At this point I am convinced that I am doing something wrong. Why was feeding my baby in the "most natural" way so freaking hard? I didn't want to cry over it anymore. I didn't want to feel like I was doing something wrong anymore. So I turned to the Internet. I found breastfeeding forums and posted the question to other moms and asked for advice and help. I was flooded with responses from other women who were in my position. As one woman put it her nipples looked like, "something out of a horror film." What a way to put it. And exactly how I felt about my own nipples. They were something out of a horror film. While the suggestions the women gave me were all things I was trying, it made me feel better to know that I was not the only one going through this. And even though it was a month into it, there were plenty of women who were in the same boat along the same time frame as me.
So, I put my big girl panties on and decided that if the latch was right, the nipples would heal. I wasn't being honest with myself about what I was doing. So when Mason was about 6.5 weeks old, I was still in pain so I called the in home lactation people and had them come out to help me. I knew that if I didn't get help I wouldn't be able to breastfeed for the year that I wanted to. When the LC came out to my house, she took one look at my nipples and said, "Oh my gosh! You poor thing. How are you still breastfeeding?" And at this I lost it. Started crying in front of someone who had been in my house all of five minutes. Answering her with I have no idea how I'm still breastfeeding. Only that I knew I needed to give my baby breast milk and how else was that going to happen? I told her that I thought I would heal if his latch was correct. After talking to her, I realized that I wasn't latching him correctly. The pain had taken over my mind and when he went to eat it was a whole ordeal. I wouldn't put him to breast right away because I truly was scared of the pain. So I would get myself "ready" while the poor kid got so upset and then put him to breast not really caring if it was correct or not. Each time he latched I literally kicked my feet up, gritted my teeth, and tried not to cry.
Leslie, the LC who I feel like I know personally now since she's been helping me so much, told me to stop nursing right now. I needed to exclusively pump until I healed. I looked at her and cried. I felt like I had failed somehow. I know that is ridiculous, but at the time that is what I thought. I told her that I was worried if I exclusively pumped Mason wouldn't go back to breast. She assured me that he would because we had been giving him bottles at times already and he was going back and forth.I knew she was right in what she was telling me to do. I needed some relief. So, I started pumping. This was on a Friday, she came back on Monday and said I wasn't quite ready to go back to breast. She had me latch Mason on and he went with ease. He is a smart little boy and remembered what to do. This helped me put my mind at ease that he would nurse again. So I pumped for about a week and a half before putting Mason back to breast. I went to another breastfeeding support group to make sure we were latching correctly. He was on perfect. So I was on my way to getting things better.
You might be asking why I would go back to breastfeeding instead of just pumping. Truth is I actually missed feeding Mason. I know it sounds crazy considering the pain I was in, but that time we nursed was ours. And I loved how he would just snuggle up to me when he was finished and I just wanted to have that back. I did consider exclusively pumping, but once I fixed my fear and my nipples it doesn't hurt so bad feeding him now. And now I can feel when the latch is bad and fix him, whereas before when it hurt all the time I never knew if he was latched incorrectly or not.
By now I thought things were going pretty well. I started using coconut oil on my nipples and found that it is a miracle "drug." My nipples looked better in two days of using it than the whole two months of Mason's life. But, things turned ugly again. I don't like saying this because I know this is not a struggle most people have, but I was dealing with an oversupply of milk. I would pump 4-5oz from each breast each time I pumped. And when Mason ate he would normally just go from one breast because he would get enough milk from that breast. Well, this improper emptying of my breasts lead me to get Mastitis. One day I developed a fever, which progressed to a 102 degree fever one night. I called my obgyn and she had me come in. At first she thought it could be a clogged duct, but later that day my breast became painful and red. She put me on antibiotics to get the infection out right away. So I've been dealing with that for about a week now. On the upside at least my nipples don't hurt! LOL.
I was tempted to go to exclusively pumping until I saw my nipples healing. Now I won't do that unless I contract Mastitis again. I think it's more my issue than Mason's. He doesn't care how he eats, as long as he gets food. I want to nurse him. I think it's my stubborn side saying you can do this and you will. I think in my mind I've been through so much trying to make bf work that I'm not going to stop. Kind of during labor when they threatened me with forceps and I wasn't going to let that happen and Mason was born soon after that. It is working right now. My nipples are almost healed. I think my supply issue is regulating itself. And I'm almost finished with antibiotics from Mastitis. So unless things turn bad again, I think it's beginning to look up for Mason and I in the breastfeeding category. What is helping the most is knowing I'm not the only one with struggles and many of you momma's out there have had similar issues. We need to come together and write a book about how things really are!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
A Baby Story
This is going to be long. I decided to document the birth of Mason so that I remember the details in my old age and Mason might like to read about it one day too. I'll try not to get too graphic, but we are talking about childbirth here.
About two weeks, maybe even longer, before my due date I started having contractions. I didn't really feel them very often, and they didn't hurt, just more of a tightening of the belly. So, I went into the doctor on Friday November 30 for one of my final appointments before the due date. At this appointment I was 3 centimeters dilated (the week before I was two) and about 70% effaced. So on my way to labor! We decided to set up to be induced on my actual due date, but the doctor did not think I would make it until then, she said she hoped I would go into labor on my own that weekend.
Saturday morning, December 1st, I woke up at about 3:15am with what I thought were gas pains. I laid in bed for a minute then decided to try and go to the bathroom. This wasn't what I needed so I went back to bed. The pains didn't go away and I remembered Kitty telling me that real contractions would feel like gas pains, only lower and more intense. I realized this is what I was feeling. I was apprehensive because I wasn't sure, but I gently woke Martin up at about 4am and told him I thought I was having contractions. He woke up in a groggy state of mind saying, "What?! Are you serious?!" We get up and talk about it, I start timing the contractions. I brush my teeth. Martin walks the dogs. I get everything in the hospital bag. The whole time thinking, "This is it! Holy cow, this is really happening." Then at about 7 minutes apart, I call the after hours nurse line. At this point I also was feeling something that I thought was my water that broke, I later realized that yes, it was my water that broke. Something that I was told only happens to a small percentage of women who go into labor naturally. Anyway, the nurse tells me yes, go on to the hospital. So at 5am we go to the hospital.
Once at the hospital they first meet you in triage to assess to make sure one is actually in labor. I was, so I got to stay. Thank goodness. My contractions were getting closer together and stronger at this point and all I could think about was making the pain stop. I get into my birthing suite at about 7am. The nurse was great. Talking me through everything. She told me I had to have blood work taken and then she would get me the epidural. I was thinking fine, but let's hurry. My contractions were very strong and very close together. This whole time I am thinking, "How do women do this without drugs? This only gets worse. They don't get better!" Everyone kept talking and asking questions that I could only answer through gritted teeth and a death grip of the rail on the bed. Finally at 9am they gave me the epidural and I was in a much better state of mind. They also checked to see how dilated I was and I was 4 centimeters and 80% effaced. The doctor told me she wanted me to dilate 2 centimeters every two hours and that was how often she would come in to check on me.
At this point I'm not feeling a thing so I take the opportunity to try and rest while Martin updated everyone on what was going on. I was happy as could be, eating my ice chips and popsicles. I was dilating the 2 centimeters every two hours. Things were as the nurse put it, "textbook." How she wished everyone's labor would go. Only thing, I really wanted some water. Why don't they let you have water? It's so stupid. My advice to anyone before you go to the hospital, drink a gallon of water. :-) I seriously wished I would have eaten and drank water before going to the hospital because once they get you, it's over.
At 5pm, the doctor came back to check and I was 100% ready to go. Woo Hoo! Up until then I had not been nervous. I looked at Martin and thought "This is it!" I began to feel nervous because I didn't know what to expect with the pushing and the pain. I was beginning to feel my contractions again, and they were strong. I could push my little epidural button to give me more medicine, but at this point in labor that doesn't matter. Martin was so excited. So was I. Everyone was busy setting up for labor and I just kept thinking I would soon meet our little boy. And so began my marathon pushing session.
I was told that labor was like running a marathon. Boy I had no idea how right they were going to be about that! The nurse also told me that for first babies two hours is a long time to push. So in my mind I thought I would be done in two hours max. Fast forward four hours and that will give you my baby. It took four hours of pushing to get Mason here. Apparently he wanted a little more time just him and me. That can be the only explanation as to why it took so long. :-)
The first hour went by and no baby. The nurse kept telling me that I was "doing great" and he was "moving down." I believed her...at first. Then around hour two I began to think she was crazy or lying to me. Where is my baby?! At this point it was time for nurse/doctor shift changes. So the people I was with all day were going home and I got new ones. But, lucky for me the new doctor was from my Kaiser clinic and while she wasn't my doctor, I'd seen her once and she was a familiar face. The new nurse was also great. With them there trying new things I started to feel like Mason was moving a little bit down the birth canal.
Then hour three came along. I was exhausted. I had developed a fever. Probably from being so tired and working so hard. The doctor told me that she would only consider a C-section if Mason started doing poorly. The whole time he had stayed steady with his heartbeat. No concerns with him. That was good news. And I thought I've been pushing for three hours and I'm NOT going to have a C-section after I had put in that much work.
Through this time the doctors figured out that Mason was face down, but his head was turned to the side with his shoulder scrunched up, which was preventing him from moving down easily. I had four different doctors determine that he was in this position before the last one who checked finally un-scrunched his shoulder. This is a part of labor people should really warn you about because having four different doctors checking for something is not comfortable! It's painful. Even with drugs.
Back to the labor. My wonderful nurse suggested that I take a break from pushing for 20-30 minutes. To give my body time to rest. At first I didn't want to, but decided I should. She also said she thought I should have pitocin to help make my contractions stronger and would help Mason move quicker. So before my resting session I let her give me the pitocin. Even though I knew it would make the already painful contractions stronger. When she left the room to let me rest, I broke down. I sobbed. I couldn't believe this was taking so long. I thought I was doing something wrong. Martin just let me cry it out. I was so thirsty from having a fever and not having any water all day. So Martin got me some water. I decided to try to rest. Somehow I fell asleep. Martin said that in my sleep when I had a contraction I would squeeze him and would make a noise. Don't ask me how I was able to sleep, but apparently my body needed the rest.
When the nurse came back in the pushing began again. And then the talk of using forceps or the vacuum began. I knew before going into all of this that I didn't want a C-section unless it was necessary for the safety of the baby. And I absolutely did not want the forceps or vacuum. I have heard horror stories about both. The nurse was telling me all this in between contractions. The only thing I could think of was, "No. This is not going down like that." I don't know what it was: The un-schrunching of Mason's shoulder. The break time. My break down. The water Martin gave me. The threat of forceps. But somehow I found the strength in my feverish, exhausted state to push hard enough that Mason was finally there ready to go. Quickly the doctor was summoned to the room and the last few pushes were upon us. After a few more big contractions, almost four hours to the minute after pushing began, Mason came out looking to the side, directly at Martin. It was so surreal.
Martin cut the cord and seconds later my baby was placed on my chest. In that moment I teared up looking from my baby to Martin with such joy and relief. I was so tired. But so relieved that Mason was here and he was fine. Better than fine. He was perfect. I was fine. Martin was relieved that we were both fine. I was able to lie there with Mason for over an hour before the nurses began to do all the bathing and vital sign checking on Mason. I'm so glad I had that experience. Just to be able to finally relax after a four hour marathon pushing session and hold my beautiful little boy. I was beyond exhausted but that feeling was shadowed by the overwhelming feeling of relief that it was all over.
Overall, I had a pretty smooth labor. It was long but there were no scary moments and the end result was our little joy joining our lives. I'm so thankful for the support during labor from Martin. He was so helpful and tried to stay calm for me. The nurses and doctors were ALL amazing! Through the labor and the hospital stay every single doctor, nurse and lactation consultant were so kind, patient and helpful, which I know doesn't always happen. I only hope the next one goes this smoothly. :-)
And here is our wonderful baby:
About two weeks, maybe even longer, before my due date I started having contractions. I didn't really feel them very often, and they didn't hurt, just more of a tightening of the belly. So, I went into the doctor on Friday November 30 for one of my final appointments before the due date. At this appointment I was 3 centimeters dilated (the week before I was two) and about 70% effaced. So on my way to labor! We decided to set up to be induced on my actual due date, but the doctor did not think I would make it until then, she said she hoped I would go into labor on my own that weekend.
Saturday morning, December 1st, I woke up at about 3:15am with what I thought were gas pains. I laid in bed for a minute then decided to try and go to the bathroom. This wasn't what I needed so I went back to bed. The pains didn't go away and I remembered Kitty telling me that real contractions would feel like gas pains, only lower and more intense. I realized this is what I was feeling. I was apprehensive because I wasn't sure, but I gently woke Martin up at about 4am and told him I thought I was having contractions. He woke up in a groggy state of mind saying, "What?! Are you serious?!" We get up and talk about it, I start timing the contractions. I brush my teeth. Martin walks the dogs. I get everything in the hospital bag. The whole time thinking, "This is it! Holy cow, this is really happening." Then at about 7 minutes apart, I call the after hours nurse line. At this point I also was feeling something that I thought was my water that broke, I later realized that yes, it was my water that broke. Something that I was told only happens to a small percentage of women who go into labor naturally. Anyway, the nurse tells me yes, go on to the hospital. So at 5am we go to the hospital.
Once at the hospital they first meet you in triage to assess to make sure one is actually in labor. I was, so I got to stay. Thank goodness. My contractions were getting closer together and stronger at this point and all I could think about was making the pain stop. I get into my birthing suite at about 7am. The nurse was great. Talking me through everything. She told me I had to have blood work taken and then she would get me the epidural. I was thinking fine, but let's hurry. My contractions were very strong and very close together. This whole time I am thinking, "How do women do this without drugs? This only gets worse. They don't get better!" Everyone kept talking and asking questions that I could only answer through gritted teeth and a death grip of the rail on the bed. Finally at 9am they gave me the epidural and I was in a much better state of mind. They also checked to see how dilated I was and I was 4 centimeters and 80% effaced. The doctor told me she wanted me to dilate 2 centimeters every two hours and that was how often she would come in to check on me.
At this point I'm not feeling a thing so I take the opportunity to try and rest while Martin updated everyone on what was going on. I was happy as could be, eating my ice chips and popsicles. I was dilating the 2 centimeters every two hours. Things were as the nurse put it, "textbook." How she wished everyone's labor would go. Only thing, I really wanted some water. Why don't they let you have water? It's so stupid. My advice to anyone before you go to the hospital, drink a gallon of water. :-) I seriously wished I would have eaten and drank water before going to the hospital because once they get you, it's over.
At 5pm, the doctor came back to check and I was 100% ready to go. Woo Hoo! Up until then I had not been nervous. I looked at Martin and thought "This is it!" I began to feel nervous because I didn't know what to expect with the pushing and the pain. I was beginning to feel my contractions again, and they were strong. I could push my little epidural button to give me more medicine, but at this point in labor that doesn't matter. Martin was so excited. So was I. Everyone was busy setting up for labor and I just kept thinking I would soon meet our little boy. And so began my marathon pushing session.
I was told that labor was like running a marathon. Boy I had no idea how right they were going to be about that! The nurse also told me that for first babies two hours is a long time to push. So in my mind I thought I would be done in two hours max. Fast forward four hours and that will give you my baby. It took four hours of pushing to get Mason here. Apparently he wanted a little more time just him and me. That can be the only explanation as to why it took so long. :-)
The first hour went by and no baby. The nurse kept telling me that I was "doing great" and he was "moving down." I believed her...at first. Then around hour two I began to think she was crazy or lying to me. Where is my baby?! At this point it was time for nurse/doctor shift changes. So the people I was with all day were going home and I got new ones. But, lucky for me the new doctor was from my Kaiser clinic and while she wasn't my doctor, I'd seen her once and she was a familiar face. The new nurse was also great. With them there trying new things I started to feel like Mason was moving a little bit down the birth canal.
Then hour three came along. I was exhausted. I had developed a fever. Probably from being so tired and working so hard. The doctor told me that she would only consider a C-section if Mason started doing poorly. The whole time he had stayed steady with his heartbeat. No concerns with him. That was good news. And I thought I've been pushing for three hours and I'm NOT going to have a C-section after I had put in that much work.
Through this time the doctors figured out that Mason was face down, but his head was turned to the side with his shoulder scrunched up, which was preventing him from moving down easily. I had four different doctors determine that he was in this position before the last one who checked finally un-scrunched his shoulder. This is a part of labor people should really warn you about because having four different doctors checking for something is not comfortable! It's painful. Even with drugs.
Back to the labor. My wonderful nurse suggested that I take a break from pushing for 20-30 minutes. To give my body time to rest. At first I didn't want to, but decided I should. She also said she thought I should have pitocin to help make my contractions stronger and would help Mason move quicker. So before my resting session I let her give me the pitocin. Even though I knew it would make the already painful contractions stronger. When she left the room to let me rest, I broke down. I sobbed. I couldn't believe this was taking so long. I thought I was doing something wrong. Martin just let me cry it out. I was so thirsty from having a fever and not having any water all day. So Martin got me some water. I decided to try to rest. Somehow I fell asleep. Martin said that in my sleep when I had a contraction I would squeeze him and would make a noise. Don't ask me how I was able to sleep, but apparently my body needed the rest.
When the nurse came back in the pushing began again. And then the talk of using forceps or the vacuum began. I knew before going into all of this that I didn't want a C-section unless it was necessary for the safety of the baby. And I absolutely did not want the forceps or vacuum. I have heard horror stories about both. The nurse was telling me all this in between contractions. The only thing I could think of was, "No. This is not going down like that." I don't know what it was: The un-schrunching of Mason's shoulder. The break time. My break down. The water Martin gave me. The threat of forceps. But somehow I found the strength in my feverish, exhausted state to push hard enough that Mason was finally there ready to go. Quickly the doctor was summoned to the room and the last few pushes were upon us. After a few more big contractions, almost four hours to the minute after pushing began, Mason came out looking to the side, directly at Martin. It was so surreal.
Martin cut the cord and seconds later my baby was placed on my chest. In that moment I teared up looking from my baby to Martin with such joy and relief. I was so tired. But so relieved that Mason was here and he was fine. Better than fine. He was perfect. I was fine. Martin was relieved that we were both fine. I was able to lie there with Mason for over an hour before the nurses began to do all the bathing and vital sign checking on Mason. I'm so glad I had that experience. Just to be able to finally relax after a four hour marathon pushing session and hold my beautiful little boy. I was beyond exhausted but that feeling was shadowed by the overwhelming feeling of relief that it was all over.
Overall, I had a pretty smooth labor. It was long but there were no scary moments and the end result was our little joy joining our lives. I'm so thankful for the support during labor from Martin. He was so helpful and tried to stay calm for me. The nurses and doctors were ALL amazing! Through the labor and the hospital stay every single doctor, nurse and lactation consultant were so kind, patient and helpful, which I know doesn't always happen. I only hope the next one goes this smoothly. :-)
And here is our wonderful baby:
Mason John Irvin
12/1/2012
9:23pm
7 pounds 3.2 ounces 19 inches
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)