Breastfeeding: The good, the bad and the ugly.

This is going to be another long post. And graphic. Just trying to keep it real.

Even before I was pregnant I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I knew the benefits to the baby of having mom's milk so there was never any question in my mind that this is what I would do. Once pregnant I began reading many books on all things pregnancy and baby. I read the chapters on breastfeeding. I thought that yes, it sounded like it might be hard at first, but something totally doable. This is where I think honesty needs to come into play. Why are the books not honest about how breastfeeding is REALLY going to be? In my mind as long as the baby was latched properly, breastfeeding wouldn't hurt and there would be angels singing in the background as I gazed into my baby's eyes as he ate. I thought this because this is how the books made it sound. I wish the book would have been honest. Because anyone who has tried breastfeeding and struggled knows that shit hurts. Even with a good latch. It took a nurse in the hospital to say, "If anyone tells you breastfeeding doesn't hurt at first, they are lying." And she was right. It hurts. And for me badly.

Before I begin I have to say that my insurance sets patients up with amazing doctors and nurses who are pro-breastfeeding. They offer many ways to get moms and babies help. There is in home care where a nurse/lactation consultant comes to see how things are going. There are breastfeeding support groups every week that you can go to, free of charge, to get help from a LC and other moms. Also, the pediatrician's office has nurses there ready to talk to moms and help make breastfeeding easier. I used each of these resources many times, but still had issues and struggles with feeding Mason.

On the first home visit, my nipples hurt but not too terribly yet. The LC who was there to check on Mason also checked on me and my breasts. We went over different ways to get Mason latched on correctly to minimize pain and help my cracked nipples heal. When she left I thought, "OK. I can do this." Days went on, which turned into a couple of weeks and the pain was still there and my nipples. Well, they were now very cracked, bloody and looked horrible. I began to dread every feeding. I would think, "No, why are you hungry again?!" I would cry when he would latch. And sometimes through the whole time he would eat. I felt horrible. I didn't want to project my pain, frustration and fear onto Mason. I didn't know what to do. I tried lanolin and gel pads. Nothing was helping. I went to a breastfeeding support group meeting. The LC looked at Mason's latch and said it was a good latch. So why was I still in pain? She suggested that I pump for a day and give my nipples a rest. So I did, but it did not help.

At this point I am convinced that I am doing something wrong. Why was feeding my baby in the "most natural" way so freaking hard? I didn't want to cry over it anymore. I didn't want to feel like I was doing something wrong anymore. So I turned to the Internet. I found breastfeeding forums and posted the question to other moms and asked for advice and help. I was flooded with responses from other women who were in my position. As one woman put it her nipples looked like, "something out of a horror film." What a way to put it. And exactly how I felt about my own nipples. They were something out of a horror film. While the suggestions the women gave me were all things I was trying, it made me feel better to know that I was not the only one going through this. And even though it was a month into it, there were plenty of women who were in the same boat along the same time frame as me.

So, I put my big girl panties on and decided that if the latch was right, the nipples would heal. I wasn't being honest with myself about what I was doing. So when Mason was about 6.5 weeks old, I was still in pain so I called the in home lactation people and had them come out to help me. I knew that if I didn't get help I wouldn't be able to breastfeed for the year that I wanted to. When the LC came out to my house, she took one look at my nipples and said, "Oh my gosh! You poor thing. How are you still breastfeeding?" And at this I lost it. Started crying in front of someone who had been in my house all of five minutes. Answering her with I have no idea how I'm still breastfeeding. Only that I knew I needed to give my baby breast milk and how else was that going to happen? I told her that I thought I would heal if his latch was correct. After talking to her, I realized that I wasn't latching him correctly. The pain had taken over my mind and when he went to eat it was a whole ordeal. I wouldn't put him to breast right away because I truly was scared of the pain. So I would get myself "ready" while the poor kid got so upset and then put him to breast not really caring if it was correct or not. Each time he latched I literally kicked my feet up, gritted my teeth, and tried not to cry.

Leslie, the LC who I feel like I know personally now since she's been helping me so much, told me to stop nursing right now. I needed to exclusively pump until I healed. I looked at her and cried. I felt like I had failed somehow. I know that is ridiculous, but at the time that is what I thought. I told her that I was worried if I exclusively pumped Mason wouldn't go back to breast. She assured me that he would because we had been giving him bottles at times already and he was going back and forth.I knew she was right in what she was telling me to do. I needed some relief. So, I started pumping. This was on a Friday, she came back on Monday and said I wasn't quite ready to go back to breast. She had me latch Mason on and he went with ease. He is a smart little boy and remembered what to do. This helped me put my mind at ease that he would nurse again. So I pumped for about a week and a half before putting Mason back to breast. I went to another breastfeeding support group to make sure we were latching correctly. He was on perfect. So I was on my way to getting things better.

You might be asking why I would go back to breastfeeding instead of just pumping. Truth is I actually missed feeding Mason. I know it sounds crazy considering the pain I was in, but that time we nursed was ours. And I loved how he would just snuggle up to me when he was finished and I just wanted to have that back. I did consider exclusively pumping, but once I fixed my fear and my nipples it doesn't hurt so bad feeding him now. And now I can feel when the latch is bad and fix him, whereas before when it hurt all the time I never knew if he was latched incorrectly or not.

By now I thought things were going pretty well. I started using coconut oil on my nipples and found that it is a miracle "drug." My nipples looked better in two days of using it than the whole two months of Mason's life. But, things turned ugly again. I don't like saying this because I know this is not a struggle most people have, but I was dealing with an oversupply of milk. I would pump 4-5oz from each breast each time I pumped. And when Mason ate he would normally just go from one breast because he would get enough milk from that breast. Well, this improper emptying of my breasts lead me to get Mastitis. One day I developed a fever, which progressed to a 102 degree fever one night. I called my obgyn and she had me come in. At first she thought it could be a clogged duct, but later that day my breast became painful and red. She put me on antibiotics to get the infection out right away. So I've been dealing with that for about a week now. On the upside at least my nipples don't hurt! LOL.

I was tempted to go to exclusively pumping until I saw my nipples healing. Now I won't do that unless I contract Mastitis again. I think it's more my issue than Mason's. He doesn't care how he eats, as long as he gets food. I want to nurse him. I think it's my stubborn side saying you can do this and you will. I think in my mind I've been through so much trying to make bf work that I'm not going to stop. Kind of during labor when they threatened me with forceps and I wasn't going to let that happen and Mason was born soon after that. It is working right now. My nipples are almost healed. I think my supply issue is regulating itself. And I'm almost finished with antibiotics from Mastitis. So unless things turn bad again, I think it's beginning to look up for Mason and I in the breastfeeding category. What is helping the most is knowing I'm not the only one with struggles and many of you momma's out there have had similar issues. We need to come together and write a book about how things really are!